Written by: David Greenwalt
Directed by: Bruce Seth Green
Transcribed by: The Sunnydale Crypt
Copyright (c) 2005 The Sunnydale Crypt
This is not a novelization or a script. It is only a transcript of the episode "Welcome to the Hellmouth". This transcript also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements. If you find any mistakes, please e-mail me.
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
At The Bronze, a girl is screaming as a vampire approaches Buffy. Buffy backs into a pole, and then punches the vamp in the face twice. The vampire grabs her and throws her on the table. She's breathing heavily, and the vamp is about to bite her.
Xander: May I cut in?
Xander comes up behind the vamp, pulls him off, and then slams his head into the corner of the pool table, then punches him in the stomach and then in the face. The vamp falls to the floor unconscious. Buffy looks at Xander and smiles.
Xander: (offering her his hand) You alright?
Buffy: (she allows him to help her off the pool table) Thanks to you!
She appears speechless, and is still smiling at Xander. She slides off of the table and looks down at Xander's hand.
Buffy: You hurt your hand! Will you still be able t...
Xander: ...finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?
He winks at her, and heads over to the stage, and she watches him with amazement. The vampire gets back up and growls at Buffy. Xander turns around, breaks the leg off of a chair and throws it at the vampire. Buffy watches the stake fly into the vampire's chest, and the vamp collapses. She turns her gaze back on Xander, again admiring him. He jumps up onto stage and grabs his electric guitar to continue his solo. Buffy looks up at him adoringly and approaches the stage as he plays.
Buffy: (looking up at him) You're drooling.
Xander gives her a confused look.
Cut to science class, where Dr. Gregory is showing a slide show to the class.
Buffy: Xander!
He wakes up from his daydream and looks at Buffy
Buffy: You've got a little...
She wipes the corner of her mouth, and he quickly wipes the drool off of his mouth and chin.
Dr. Gregory: Their ancestors were here long before we were. Their progeny will be here long after we are gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant.
He turns off the slide projector, turns the lights on and begins walking up between the two rows of tables the students are sitting at.
Dr. Gregory: Now. If you read the homework you should know the two ways that ants communicate.
He leans against the table Xander is sitting at in the last row, and faces Buffy.
Dr. Gregory: Miss Summers.
Buffy: (stalling and shocked to be called on) Ways that ants communicate.
Dr. Gregory: (nodding his head) Mm.
Buffy: With other ants.
Dr. Gregory: From the homework.
Behind him Willow tries to get Buffy's attention by waving her hands.
Dr. Gregory: Ants are communicating...
Buffy: (notices Willow, but tries not to make it obvious) Um, uh, uh...
Willow strokes Xander's back, indicating "touch".
Buffy: Touch...
Dr. Gregory: (nodding) Mm-hmm.
Buffy: And...um...
She looks at Willow again, who is now sniffing Xander, indicating "smell".
Buffy: (confused) B.O.?
Several students laugh. Willow gives her a disappointed look.
Blayne: (sitting next to Buffy) Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that!
Dr. Gregory: That would be 'touch' and 'smell', Miss Summers. (some kids still giggling) Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg would like to tell you?
Willow quickly turns to the front of the classroom. The bell then rings. Dr. Gregory: Alright, chapters six through eight by tomorrow, people.
Starts to move back to the front, but then stops and looks back at Buffy
Dr. Gregory: Can I see you for a moment?
Buffy nods, then the scence cuts to after the other students have left. Buffy leans against a lab table. As Dr. Gregory looks at his slides.
Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't?
Dr. Gregory: Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium...? Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
He walks away to the front of his classroom, and Buffy follows him.
Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: (puts his glasses in his jacket pocket) Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.
Grabs a different pair out of his coat, and uses his tie to clean them.
Buffy: "Destructo Girl", that's me.
Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way?
Dr. Gregory: (looks at her and smiles, then goes back to cleaning his classes) You have a first- rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the...
Buffy: ...the homework thing.
Dr. Gregory: The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. (closes the closet and walks up to her) Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class, and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Buffy: Yeah! Sorry.
Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. (looks at another slide) And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record. What do ya say?
He looks up at Buffy and gives her a smile and she smiles back at his confidence in her.
Buffy: Okay! Thanks.
He nods his head. She grabs her bag.
Dr. Gregory: Chapters six through eight! (more seriously)
She leaves. Dr. Gregory puts the slide down, turns off the lights, puts on his glasses, and goes back to a light table, to view the slides. While looking, the camera gets close to him, but in the background, the closet door is opening. Then from the point of view of the thing that came out of the closet, the camera closes in behind Dr. Gregory. Then, the camera cuts to a shot in front of him, and gets closer. Then there is a side shot, where a large mantis claw grabs him by the neck. Dr. Gregory looks up behind him and screams as it pulls him back. His glasses hit the floor and one of the lenses break, followed by Dr. Gregory falling to the floor dead.
Opening credits play.
At The Bronze, a live band, Superfine, is playing "Already Met You". Xander somewhat dances through the crowd.
Lyrics: The first date's the worst date / It's hard to know just what to do / And I take you to dinner / You don't eat, you just play with your food
Xander looks around and when he gets up to the stage gives the singer an nod and grin .
Lyrics: And there's something familiar...
The singer gives him a disgusted look, and then looks ahead.
Lyrics: About every word you say
Xander tries to act like he doesn't care and moves away from the stage.
Lyrics: It's hard to believe it's happened again / I already met you / And I already met you / You're like my last girlfriend / Yes, and the girlfriend I had before her
Xander walks over to the bar where Blayne and his friend are sitting.
Blayne: Seven, including Cheryl. I'll tell you, though,(gives his friend a pat on the chest) her sister was lookin' to make it eight!
Boy: Ooo, Cheryl's sister? The one in college?
Blayne: Home for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: (interrupting) Something like a lobotomy?
The two boys look at him.
Blayne: Xander. How many times you score?
Xander: Well, uh...(looks down embarassed)
Blayne: It's just a question.
Xander: Are we talking today, or the whole week?
The two boys give a "yeah right" sigh. Then, Xander spots Buffy and Willow coming down the stairs.
Xander: Ooo! Duty calls!
Blayne and his friend watch as he walks over to the two of them.
Xander: Babes!
Willow and Buffy turn around to look at him. He comes up to them and puts his hands around their shoulders and holds them close.
Buffy: What are you doing?
Xander: (to Buffy) Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual.
Willow: (grabs him more tightly) We'll show him!
Xander looks back at Blayne, gives him a wink and a thumbs up and puts his arm back around Willow. The two boys seem impressed.
Buffy: (looking off) I don't believe it.
Xander: I know, and after all my conquests.
Buffy walks off in the direction she was staring. She was looking at Angel
Xander: (with jealously in his voice)Who's that?
Willow: That must be Angel! I think?
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man(puts his hand up to gesture at him)! How come that never came up?
Cut to Angel as Buffy reaches him.
Buffy: Well! Look who's here!
Angel: (smiling)Hi.
Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't be long.
Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night...Right?
Angel: You're cold.
Buffy: You can take it.
Angel: (takes off his jacket, and he has just a t-shirt underneath) I mean, you look cold.
He puts his jacket around her shoulders. Cut to Willow and Xander.
Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!
Cut back to Buffy and Angel.
Buffy: A little big on me. (notices several large cuts on Angel's arm) What happened?
Angel: (can't keep eye contact as he lies) I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: (sarcastic) Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have to go. (leaves)
Buffy: (Buffy watches him go) Sweet dreams to you, too.
She looks down clearly disappointed he didn't say goodbye.
Cut to Sunnydale High the next day. Buffy and Giles are walking in front by the entrance of the school, and while discussing with Buffy, Giles is eating an apple.
Giles: That's all he said? "Fork Guy"?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said. Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life. (laughs to himself)
They stop by Willow sitting on a bench.
Giles: I'll see what I can find out. (looking up at the sky) God, every day here is the same.
Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful. However can we escape this torment?
Willow smiles at her joke. Buffy puts down her bag and sits down next to her.
Giles: Really.(begins walking away Xander comes up behind Giles as he leaves) Good morning.
Xander: (to Giles) Mornin'. (to the Buffy and Willow) Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo, those of us who blew off our science homework aren't (closes the book Willow has on her lap) as dumb as we look.
She stops it from falling, and Buffy helps her too.
Buffy: What happened, is he sick?
Xander: (shaking his head back and forth) They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing.
Buffy: (kind of concerned) He's missing?
Xander: Well, let me think...Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got... Yeah, yeah, they said missing.
Willow and Buffy both look at each other concerned.
Xander: Which is bad?
Buffy: If something's wrong, yeah!
Willow: He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon.
Xander: (with sympathy now) I'm really sorry, I'm sure he'll...
He looks up and sees a woman (Natalie French) holding folders and wearing a short black dress walking their way.
Xander: I, uh, huh...
Willow and Buffy look to see what's he's staring at
Xander: Uh, huh... huh...
Xander's mouth is hanging open. The there is a slow motion shot of the woman walking and the camera goes up from her legs to her face as jungle music plays in the background. Then, the shot goes back to Xander standing with his hands in his pockets still staring. She approaches Xander.
Natalie: Could you help me?
Xander looks around to make sure she is talking to him.
Xander: Uuuuuuhhhhhh... Yes!
Willow and Buffy look at each other, thinking Xander's acting weird.
Natalie: I'm looking for Science 109.
Xander: Oh! It's, um...
He looks around again, trying to remember the way.
Xander: (smiles) I go there every day!
The woman laughs.
Xander: (quickly looks at Buffy and Willow in a kind of panic) Oh, God, where is it?
Willow and Buffy smirk and shrug their sholders. Blayne walks up behind her.
Blayne: Hi! Blayne Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the varsity field where I took All-City last year. (smiles and looks at Xander.
Natalie: Oh! Thank you, Blayne!
Blayne walks away with her, and he pats Xander on the chest.
Xander: (looking at Willow and Buffy again) It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
The girls nod their heads and smile at each other trying not to laugh.
Cut to science class. Ms. French is writing her name on the board. Buffy, Willow and Xander walk in together and Buffy finds Dr. Gregory's glasses on the floor and picks them up and stares at them.
Willow: What's wrong?
Buffy: Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses... Why wouldn't he pick them up?
She puts them on a table, the bell rings, and she goes to her desk.
Natalie: My name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory. (she straightens a stack of paper)
Buffy: Do you know when he's coming back?
Natalie: No, I don't, um...(looks at the seating chart) Buffy. They just call and tell me where they want me.
Blayne: (dreamily) I'll tell you where I want you.
Buffy looks at him in disgust
Natalie: Excuse me, Blayne?
Blayne: Uh, I was just wondering if you were gonna pick up where Dr. Gregory left off.
Natalie: (happy he asked) Yes. His notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life. (grabs a clear box with a mantis inside) The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? (looks around) Buffy?
Buffy: (not really paying attention then looks up) Well, the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.
People laugh, and Ms. French gets stern about her comment
Natalie: There is nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is because they're cannibals!
Buffy: Eww!
Other kids look disgusted, and one boy behind Buffy smiles, because he thinks it's cool.
Natalie: Ohhhh, well, it's hardly their fault! It's the way nature designed them. Noble, solitary and (puts her eyes up to think of one more) prolific. Over 1800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them the female is larger *and* more aggressive than the male.
Blayne: (to Buffy) Nothing wrong with an aggressive female.(smiles thinking he's funny)
Natalie: (reads from a book) The California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate...(walks down the aisle and stops and Xander's table, who is mesmerized by her)...to fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sack (showing the picture to the class) and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger. Now, if she's done her job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring. You know, we should make some model egg sacks for the science fair. Who would like to help me do that after school? (All the boys raise their hands quickly saying "Oh, oh, oh and she is pleased) Good!
Cut to the cafeteria, where a lunch lady is putting some hot dog surprise on a styrofoam plate and hands it to the person in front of Buffy.
Buffy: (to Willow standing behind her) Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Buffy grabs a plate and bowl.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.(Grabs a plate)
Xander: (looking at his reflection in a napkin holder) I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.
Willow raises her eyebrows like "yeah right". She turns to Buffy and they smile. He puts the napkin holder back, and grabs a plate.
Xander: Miss French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: (to Buffy) Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.
Blayne skips in line with his tray full of food.
Blayne: Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right, tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call natural selection. (grabs another piece of cake and walks away).
Xander: Guess it's what they call a rehearsal! (looks at Buffy and Willow) Rehearsal... (laughs knowing he had a lame come back) The two smile at each other again. Buffy goes and grabs a fork. As she walks back Cordelia comes in and runs into her.
Cordelia: (to Buffy) Excuse you!
She goes into the kitchen area where the lunch ladies are, and shows them a piece of paper.
Cordelia: Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily... I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath. She opens a refrigerator, and screams finding Dr. Gregory's decapitated body in there. Buffy and Willow go to see what's wrong. Cordelia backs away from the refrigerator.
Cordelia: (hysterically) His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head?!
Buffy and Willow arrive look inside and Buffy's eyes widen then she looks down upset. Xander comes up and looks away, and Willow gives a grossed out face. The camera shows a close up of his lab coat and the name "Dr. Gregory".
Cut to the library where Giles is pouring a glass of water.
Giles: Here...
He brings it over to Buffy, who is sitting on the steps with her head against the rail. She has been crying, and Willow is sitting next to her staring at the ground.
Giles: Drink this.
Buffy: (takes the glass not looking at Giles) No, thank you. (takes a sip)
Xander: (behind Giles) I've never seen... I mean, I've never seen anything like... That was new.
Willow: Who'd wanna hurt Dr. Gregory?
Giles: Uh, he didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of. He was a, civilized man...I liked him.
Buffy: So did I.
Willow: (looking at Giles) Well, we're gonna find out who did this. We'll find them and we'll stop them.
Buffy: Count on it.
Lifts her head up.
Giles: What do we know?
Buffy: Oh, not a lot, um... (sniffs and wipes a tear from her nose) He was killed on campus. I'm guessing the last day we saw him.
Giles: How do you work that out?
Buffy: He didn't change his clothing.
Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but...where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.
Buffy: Angel! (gets up and looks at Giles) He warned me that something was coming.
She takes another sip of water as she walks over to the table.
Giles: Yes. Yes he did, didn't he? I wish I knew what he meant. I've been trying to gather more information about the Master, our, uh, local vampire king. There was one oblique reference to a, a, a vampire who displeased the Master and cut his hand off in penance.
Buffy: Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork?
Giles: I don't know what he replaced it with.
Xander: So, why would he come after a teacher?
Giles: I'm not certain he did. There was an incident two nights ago...
He walks over to the counter, picks up a newspaper and looks through it as he walks back to where he was before.
Giles: ...uh, involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded, but, uh, nothing like Dr. Gregory.
Buffy: (looks at the paper) Fork Guy doesn't do heads.
Giles: Not historically.
Buffy: And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained.
Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island.
Buffy: We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing. (walks toward Xander)
Giles: Well, unpleasant things do gravitate here, it's true, but, uh, we don't know there's anything besides this chap. He's still our likely suspect.
Buffy: Where was that guy killed? Weatherly Park?
Giles: Buffy. (walks toward her) I know you're upset, b, but, this is no time to go hunting, not until we know more. Please promise me you won't do anything rash?
Buffy: Cross my heart. (gives him an innocent smile)
Cut to Weatheryly park at night. Buffy climbs the fence and swings over to the other side and jumps down. She walks around cautiously checking behind herself a few times. A homeless man walks out of the bushes and startles her.
Homeless Guy: Shouldn't be out here at night, little lady. Dangerous.
He walks away, and she starts looking around again, and sees a body on the ground. She runs over to it, and moves it, and sees that it's another homeless person sleeping under the bench. He lets out a snore. She walks away continuing to look around. A dog barks in the distance. Some approaches what looks like some bushes, but moves the braches away, and Fork Guy jumps out. She yells started as he growls at her. He slices at her head, but she ducks and punches him in the back twice. He turns around and goes for her head again, and she pulls back, then punches, kicks and punches him again each time in the face. Again he slices at her face, and she kicks him in the chest. She grabs his arm, and flips him on the ground. She pulls out a stake, and right before she dusts him, he rolls out of the way, and she hits the ground with the stake. She kicks him down again.
Police: Hold it! Police!
Buffy looks back, and at the top of the hill some people have gathered, and one of the cops is holding a flashlight, trying to see who was causing the noise.
Some other cops: Did you see that? I got nothing here!
Fork guy runs off, and Buffy let's him go.
Voices: I heard it. Spread out. Let's go over here. This way, this way. Alright...
Buffy looks back again, then runs off. The scene then cuts to Ms. French walking past the Weatherly Park gate carrying a bag of groceries. Fork guy is on the other side of the fence breathing loudly and following her. In the background the cops can still be heard. Fork guy begins climbing the fence. Buffy is running, and approaches the same area of fencing. Fork guy lands on the other side, behind Ms. French. Buffy stops at the fence, and sees Ms. Calendar simply turn around, and Fork Guy backs off hissing at her. He runs away completely scared, and goes to into a sewer. Buffy is shocked. Ms. French walks away, and Buffy watches mouth open and eyes wide.
Sunnydale High, the next morning, then cut to the library.
Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Buffy and Giles walk past his office window, and then enter it.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't. (takes a sip from his mug)
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.
Giles: (places his mug on top of the file cabinet and opens it) Did you see someone with a fork?
He looks at a red file folder he was holding.
Buffy: More like a jumbo claw.
Giles: (turns to face her) Oh...Well, uh, at least you're not hurt.
Buffy: And I saw something else. Something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire.
Giles: Oh?
Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Giles: (smiles) Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way. (puts some files away)
Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
Giles: He what? Ran away?
Buffy: He was petrified.
Giles: Of Miss French?
Buffy: Uh-huh! So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.
Buffy: So what's her deal?
Giles: I think perhaps it would be a good idea if we kept an eye on her.
Buffy: Then I better get to class.
She leaves.
Cut to Buffy quickly heading down the stairs on her way to Biology, whe she is stopped by Principal Flutie almost running into him.
Mr. Flutie: You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him...
Mr. Flutie: (cuts her off) Don't say dead, or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please. (starts down the hall)
Buffy: (stops him) Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology...
Mr. Flutie: (cuts her off for a second time) Extremely late! (starts down the hall again) You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
Buffy: But I really don't need...
Mr. Flutie: (cuts her off again) We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (pulls away quickly, even though Buffy wasn't going to hug him) but not a real hug, because there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching.
Buffy: But, I really, really don't...
Mr. Flutie: (again cutting her off) No, you have to talk to a counselor and start the healing. You have to heal.
Buffy: (she stops walking and faces him) But Mr. Flutie, I...
Mr. Flutie: Heal!
She sits down giving up. He walks away, and she leans back upset about not getting to biology on time. Then she hears Cordelia.
Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? (the camera pans over to show her inside) It really gets to you, a thing like that. (cut inside) It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way (motions with her hand) swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. (catches herself) Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know?
Cut to Buffy, thinking Cordelia is nuts.
Cordelia: Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!
Then cut to biology as Ms. French is giving a pop quiz, and is walking along the aisle.
Natalie: Keep your eyes straight ahead on your own test.
She comes up behind Xander and looks at his test, and whispers to him.
Natalie: I think you meant 'pollination' for number fourteen. (puts her hand on his shoulder) I'll see you here after school. (he looks up)
Cut to the hall. Buffy is running to class and looks in through the door window.
Buffy: Oh, great, a pop quiz.
Back inside, Ms. French is still looking at Xander's paper, with her hand on his shoulder. She then straightens up, and Buffy's eyes widen, as Ms. French's head turns completely around to look at Buffy. Buffy leans against the door, and is breathing heavily and then walks off.
Cut to the library as Buffy and Willow walk in.
Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.
Willow: Ouch!
Buffy: Which reminds me, how come Blayne, who worked with her one-on- one yesterday, isn't here today?
Willow: Inquiring minds wanna know.(she walks over the the computer)
Buffy: (to Giles) Any luck?
Willow sits down in front of the PC pushes her hair behind her ears and begins typing.
Giles: Um, I've not found any creature as yet that strikes terror in a vampire's heart.
Buffy: Try looking under things that can turn their heads all the way around.
Giles: Nothing human can do that.
Buffy: No, nothing human. But there are some insects that can. Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her.
She walks up the library steps.
Giles: (takes off his glasses) What are you going to do?
Buffy: (turns back to look at him) My homework.
She walks further back and Willow smiles at her from the computer. Buffy then comes running back.
Buffy: Where are the books on bugs?
Cut to the science classroom. Natalie is at the desk spreading mayo on a slice of bread. She's about to open a plastic container when she hears the door close, and looks up.
Xander: Hi!
Natalie: Oh, Hi! I was just grabbing a snack. Can I fix you something?
Xander: No thanks, I never... eat when I'm making egg sacks. (laughs, then sees the model) Wow, if this were real the bugs would be...
Natalie: ...as big as you!
Xander: Yeah!
Natalie: Mm-hmm.
Xander: So! Where do we start?
Natalie: (sounding like a helpless little girl) Oh, Xander! (gets up) I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life. (laughs)
Natalie: (laughs) I have a teacher's conference in half an hour, and I left the paint and papier-mâché at home. I don't suppose you'd like to come to my place tonight to work on it there?
Xander: (swallows) Come to, uh... your place?
He flashes to his guitar solo from his daydream a few days prior.
Natalie: 7:30? Here's my address. (writes it down)
He watches her, not believing this is happening.
Natalie: (hands him her address) I'll see you tonight?
Xander: (in a high, squeaky voice) Yeah!
Cut to the hall as Xander comes out of the classroom.
Xander: (puts his fists into the air) Ooo, yes!
Cut back to Ms. French in the classroom again, opening the container from before. There are live crickets inside, and she pours them onto her sandwich, then folds the bread in half and begins to eat it. Two of the crickets hop around on the plate. She closes her eyes enjoying the sandwich, and what she has in store for Xander.
The scence cuts back to the library as Buffy comes out of the stacks with a book.
Buffy: Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' (slams the book shut) Ha! (silence, Willow and Giles wait for her point) Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big, for a bug.
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: (walks down the steps towards them) Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads. (agreeing with her)
Buffy: Exactly.
Giles: If you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter. Wait a half a moment...I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology mythology.
Buffy: Entoma-who?
Giles: Bugs and fairy tales.
Buffy: I knew that.
Giles: If I recall correctly, poor old Carlyle, just before he went mad, claimed there was some beast...
Willow: (the computer beeps) Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night.
Giles: The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?
Willow: Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for... Xander's supposed to be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant insect!
Buffy: Okay, don't panic, I'll warn him. But I need you to hack onto the coroner's office for me.
Willow: Well, what are we looking for?
Buffy: Autopsy on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figures out these marks that I saw on his corpse... I'm thinking they were teeth. And, uh, these cuddlies (points to a mantis teeth) Should definitely be brushing after every meal. (Willow types the Buffy talks to Giles) And you were saying something about a beast?
Giles: (gets up to go to his office) Oh, uh, yeah, I just need to make one transatlantic telephone call. (stops and turns back) Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow and Buffy answer at the same time.
Willow: Entirely! Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.
Buffy and Willow look at each other.
Cut outside as Xander is leaving. Buffy runs up to him, wearing Angel's jacket.
Buffy: Hey!
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: So...how'd it go with Miss French?
Xander: Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through.
Buffy: Xander, she's not what she seems.
Xander: I know, she's so much more.
Buffy: Okay, um... I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and (she walks in front of him and faces him, and they stop walking) I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay?
Xander: Okay.
Buffy: I don't think she's human.
Xander: I see. So if she's not human she's...?
Buffy: Technically? A big bug. (Xander laughs) This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that...
Xander: No it doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
Buffy: I know, I read all about it, it's call, um, a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is Angel anyway?
Buffy: What does that have to do with...
Xander: Nothing! It just kinda bugs me. Look, I really gotta...
He walks off. Buffy turns and watches him go.
Buffy: Wha...? (sighs)
Cut to Natlie's house, where she is pouring some drinks. The doorbell rings, and she looks at the door with a smirk. She walks to the door and opens it.
Natalie: Hi! Come on in! (As he walks in, he can't keep his eyes off her chest, in the low cut dress she's wearing) Should I change? Is, is this too... (she closes the door)
Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.
They walk into the living room.
Natalie: Thank you. That's sweet. Martini? (offers him one) Oh, I'm sorry, would you like something else?
Xander quickly takes the drink.
Natalie: (laughs) I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. (she sits down) You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: (sits down) I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.
They laugh and Xander drinks the entire martini.
Xander: Uhhhhhh! Hell-o!
Natalie: Cheers! (clinks their glasses) Can I ask you a personal question?
He smiles at her as a yes, and she gets very close to him.
Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Natalie: You know what I mean.
Xander: Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um...(she puts her fingers in his hair, and pushes it back) Yeah, there was, uh... several!
She strokes the side of his face and chin.
Xander: I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... a-and then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh.
Natalie: I know. I can tell.
Xander: You can?
Natalie: Oh, I like it. You might say, I... need it.
Xander: Oh! Well, needs should, uh, y'know... needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day, or...
Somewhere, someone shouts "Can you help me? I'm down here."
Xander: Do you hear...
Natalie: No...
Xander: Sounds like someone crying...
Natalie: I don't hear anything. Your hands are so hot!
She holds his hand and he flashes back to his daydream from a few days ago again.
Buffy: Oh, you hurt your hand!
Xander comes back. The drink is beginning to affect him so he leans back on the couch.
Xander: Buffy. (Xander and Ms. French smile at each other) I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh?
Natalie: Mm-hmm.
Xander: (sits back up) Do you hear...
Natalie: (cuts him off) Would you like to touch me with those hands?
Xander: (looks at Ms. French's hands) Your hands are sss... really... (her hands turn into mantis claws) serrated! Oh, wow, that martini, I... I really think I have to...
He passes out, and Ms. French now completely in mantis form drags him across the floor.
Ms. French's basement, which is almost very dark, Xander is laying on the floor of a cage with hay at the bottom, and just regaining consciousness. He puts his hand on his head, and then uses the bars to help pull himself up. He looks around, and see Ms. French, still fully mantis, at her nest
Xander: Miss... French?
Natalie: (for the most part still human sounding)Please, call me Natalie.
Xander backs away from the front of the cage
Scene cuts to Giles on the phone, in his office, at the library.
Giles: (very impatiently) Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!
Cut to Willow typing. The computer beeps. Buffy is standing next to Willow
Willow: Got it! Coroner's report, complete with... Yuk! ...color pictures.
Buffy: There are teeth marks.(double checks the picture in the book from earlier) Which match perfectly the one insect that nips off its prey's head.
Willow: Okay, I-I don't like this.
Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. (gross-out face) The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...
Buffy: Hey, hey, take it easy, Willow. Xander is not in any immediate danger. I saw him leave school. He's probably safe at home right now.
She grabs the book and looks at it again.
Cut back to the basement. Xander is backing into the corner, and someone runs over to him in the other cage.
Xander: (yells)Ah! Blayne!
Blayne: (terrified) Oh, God! Oh, God!
Xander: Are you all right?
Blayne: Oh, God! (gasping) You gotta get me outta here! You gotta! She, she, she gets you, and, uh...
Xander: What?
Blayne: ...she, she...
Xander: What does she do?
Blayne: Oh, God! Oh, no!
Xander: Blayne...What does she do?
Blayne: She, she... she, she takes you outta the cage, and she ties you up, and, and... she... she starts movin', and throbbin', and these eggs come shootin' out of her! And then...
Xander: What?
Blayne: And then...
Xander: Then what?
Blayne: She mates with you!(still panting)
Xander: Sheeee...
Blayne: That's not the worst part!
Xander: That's not?
Blayne: You seen her teeth?(points to his) Right while she's, you know, right in the middle of... I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like that!(grabs Xander's shirt)
Xander: Blayne! Blayne! Chill! It's okay.(pats his face) It's gonna be okay. We'll gettin' outta this.
Blayne: You gotta plan? What is it?
Xander: Just, uh, let me perfect it!
Blayne: Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God...
Blanyne backs down into the corner, and Ms. French looks back at them, getting ready to mate.
Cut to the library where Giles is talking on the phone in his office to Carlyle.
Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right, all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but... y, y... Try to rest, old man. Yes! Ta! Bye now!
He hangs up and walks out to Buffy and Willow who are on the computer researching!! Giles walks towards them with one of the arms on his glasses in his mouth and running his hands through his hair as he tells them what he just found out.
Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the kleptes-virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles, while we're young!
Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, a... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: (quickly gets up, worried) ...gonna die! (goes to the phone)
Buffy: Okay, okay, (walks around Giles) so this thing is breeding and we need to find it and snuff it. (turns to Giles) Any tips on the snuffing part?
Giles: Uh, Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade.
Willow is on the phone in the background behind Buffy talking to Xander's mom. (**The conversation goes on in the background while Buffy and Giles talk** Hi Mrs. Harris. This is Willow. Is Xander there? He's not! --unclear what she says next-- then Willow hangs up)
Buffy: Slice and Dice.
Giles: Whatever you do, it had better be sudden and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous.
Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops!
Giles: Sorry...
Willow: (hangs up and talks to the other two) Xander's not home! He told his mom he was going to his teacher's house to work on a science project. He didn't tell her where.
Buffy: (to Willow) See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls. (to Giles) And you need to record bat sonar, and fast!
Giles: Bat sonar, right. What?
Buffy: Bats eat them. (leads Giles to the stairs) The mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey.
Giles: Where am I gonna find the...
Buffy: In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home, go! (exhales, then says to herself) I guess I'll handle the armory.
Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander and Blayne are in their cages, and Xander is trying to loosen one of the bars.
Blayne: Don't do anything to make her mad!
Xander pulls the bar out.
Blayne: (happily) Hey, alright, now I can get outta my cage! (confused) Into yours. What'd you do that for?
Xander: A weapon!
Blayne: (sees Natalie coming) I think you're gonna need it.
Xander looks up and quickly moves as far back as he can dropping the bar.
Cut back to the library, where Willow is printing out information on Natalie French.
Willow: (to Buffy who's walking back into the library with her weapons) Getting the address.
Buffy: Great! Giles?
Giles: (holding a tape recorder) Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled.
Buffy: (takes the tape recorder) Let's roll!
They all head for the door, Buffy holds it open for Willow and Giles.
Willow: According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in 1907. She's, like, 90 years old!
Giles: And extremely well preserved!
Cut back to the basement as Natalie gets closer. Blayne crawls into Xander's cage!
Blayne: Oh, God! Uh, he did that, he broke the cage, take him, not me, take him!
Cut to Giles' car pulling up to Natalie's house. Buffy runs out first.
Giles: (whispering) What now, exactly? We can't just kick the door down.
Buffy: Yeah, that would be wrong.
Buffy is about to kick it down anyway, when it opens and an old lady appears.
Miss French: Hello, dear! I thought I heard... Are you selling something? Because I'd like to help you out, but... You see, I'm on a fixed income.
Buffy: I'm looking for Miss French.
Miss French: I'm Miss French.
Buffy: Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher?
Miss French: (laughs) Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972.
Buffy: (to Giles) I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere!
Miss French: No, dear! I'm right here!
Cut to Natalie's basement again.
Xander: What's she doing?
Blayne: I...think it's...eeny, meeny, miney...
Natalie: (at the same time)eeny, meeny
Xander: Moe?
The camera closes in on Xander's face clearly more worried now.
Still in the basement, Natalie is opening the cage door. Xander crawls out, while still sitting up.
Xander: I'm comin', I'm comin'.
Just before he gets out he grabs the bar, gets up and hits her with it. He runs to the steps and almost gets to the top, but Natalie sticks out a claw and trips him. He falls back down and just lays on the ground.
Cut to the real Miss French's house. Giles, Willow and Buffy are going back to the car.
Willow: What do we do now?
Giles: Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind.
Buffy: I saw her walking past this park with her grocery bags. She lives in this neighborhood.
Willow: I'm gonna start banging on doors. (heads for the next house)
Buffy: (grabs Willow's arm) Wait! No, we do not have time for that!
Willow: We have to do something!
Buffy: We will.
Cut to the manhole cover Buffy saw Fork Guy go in. She lifts it off and starts to climb in with a rope in hand.
Buffy: I won't be long. (goes down)
Giles: W... (there is a splash as she hit the bottom) Buffy?
Cut back to Natalie's basement. Xander arms are now tied up with thick belts and Natalie gets close to his face.
Blayne: Oh, yeah, here it comes!
Xander: What? What's happening?! (looking back at Blayne)
Blayne: How do you like your eggs, bro, over easy or sunny side up?
Xander: Eggs? She's gonna lay some... He sees her lay some eggs, then flashes to Natalie's lecture in science class.
Natalie: The California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate to fertilize them.
Cut back to Xander looking up at her realizing what's coming next!
Cut to the manhole.
Willow: (into the hole) Come on, Buffy!
Cut over to some bushes. The vampire and Buffy can be heard fighting, then the bushes are pushed out of the way and Fork Guy comes up first with Buffy behind him. He turns around and his hands are tied behind his back.
Fork Guy: You!
Buffy: Me!
Buffy pushes him down the sidewalk as he tries to resist.
Buffy: Come on! Come on, where is she? Which house is it? I know you're afraid of her, I saw you! Come on! Come on. What? (he stops trying to go back the other way) What is it? This is her, isn't it? This is her house? This is it! Better than radar!
She lets go of him and he the cuts through the ropes with his blades.
Willow: Buffy!
Giles: Look out!
He slices at her, but she leans backwards to avoid it, but trips over a small white picket fence. He jumps over the fence towards her. She begins crawling backwards with her elbows as he continues to approach. She looks at the fence, snaps a piece off and stakes him. Giles relaxes glad Buffy made it okay.
Cut to the basement. Natalie contines getting closer to Xander.
Natalie: Kiss me! (laughs) Kiss me!
Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP!
Buffy smashes the basement window with her feet and slides in. Blayne sees them come in.
Blayne: Uh, hey, o-over here! Hello! In the cage!
She pulls her bag though the window.
Buffy: (to Natalie) Let him go!
Buffy begins down the stairs, and Natalie hisses at her. Willow then crawls in. Buffy grabs two cans of bug spray from her bag. She begins sparying as Willow runs over to Xander. Then Giles crawls in as well.
Blayne: Help me! Help me!
Buffy: (to Giles) Get them outta here!
She pulls the tape recorder and a machete from her bag.
Blayne: Hey, help me! Help me!
Giles undoes the leather straps holding Xander. Natalie retreats to the back of her nest. Buffy starts to close in on her. Buffy: Remember Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this!
She plays the tape, but it's Giles' voice. Buffy stares at the recorder.
Tape: ...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically...
Buffy: (back to Giles) Giles!
Giles: (on the floor pointing at Natalie) I-it's the wrong side!
Natalie knocks it out of Buffy's hand, and Giles watches where it goes, then goes after it. Natalie tries to knock Buffy's feet out from under her, but Buffy jumps over her claw. Xander jumps in with the bug spray, but Buffy pushes him away to keep him out of danger. Natalie knocks Buffy over, then looks back and kicks her while still on the floor. She's knocked back a couple of steps, and Buffy gets up. Buffy grabs the machete and Giles jumps forward on his stomach and plays the correct side of the tape now, with the bat sonar on it. Natalie begins swinging at the air.
Buffy: Bat sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to Hell. You can go there with it!
She begins hacking at Natalie. The camera cuts to the wall, which has Buffy and Natalie's shadows on it as Natalie is cut apart. Xander watches on the wall, and the shadow passes over him. The mantis is dead, and Buffy is breathing heavily. She then wipes the blade off on her pants. Giles gets up, and he, Blayne and Willow walk over to Buffy and Xander.
Giles: Well, I... I'd say it's deceased.
Willow: And dissected.
Xander: (to Buffy) You okay?
Buffy: Yeah.
Xander: Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you!
Buffy lowers her head.
Xander: (to the others) And thank you guys, too.
Blayne: Yeah, really!
Giles: Pleasure...
Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander laughs and looks back and forth between the girls.
Xander: (to Willow, shocked at what she just said) What?
Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not...
Giles: (interrupts) Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Xander: Blayne! Shut up!
Willow: (smiling) I don't think it's bad, I think it's really...
Xander holds up the machete.
Willow: (stops smiling)...sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again (gives him a little smile then).
Xander takes the machete over to the nest, looks at the eggs for a second, then begins doing some hacking himself. Heavy metal begins to play, and then the scence cuts to the Bronze, where people are dancing. Buffy is at the bar wearing Angel's jacket, thinking. Angel comes up behind her. Buffy realizes he's there and looks up at him.
Lyrics: It's lady's choice snowball/ Guys are in line/ He knows who he's waiting for/ And she goes and picks somebody else/And a stranger finds himself
Angel: I heard a rumor there was, uh, one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself.
Buffy: There is. Guess I should thank you for the tip.
Angel: The pleasure's mine.
Buffy: Course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
Angel: (smiliing) I'll be around.
Buffy: Or who you were?
He moves around to the other side of her.
Buffy: Well... a-anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Angel: Nah, It looks better on you.
He turns and leaves. Buffy stares after him. Angel gives another look back and walks into the crowd.
Buffy: (to herself) Oh boy!
Cut to science class the next day. There's a teacher now.
Teacher: All midterm papers will be exactly six pages long. No more, no less. One third of your grade will be dependent...
The camera closes in on Buffy, unhappy about Dr. Gregory still.
Teacher: ...on those papers. No more, no less. (A student in the background says "Oh great")
The bell rings, and Buffy snaps out of her stare. The students begin leaving. Buffy see's Dr. Gregory's cracked glasses on his desk, and picks them up. She looks at them for a moment, then walks over to his closet, where one of his old coats is hanging, and puts them in the pocket. She closes the closet, and the camera moves down towards one of Natalie's eggs cracking open with five others surrounding it.
