Title: Reflections
Author: Ericka
Feedback: Yes please! To stardust617@aol.com
Rating: PG
Summary: Set after S6's finale Grave. Willow reflects on what's she done and begins the healing process.
One Week Later
That whole week was mind numbing. No one really knew what to do. They didn't have anything to say. There was nothing to say. There weren't any words to describe any of it. Willow seemed to just shut down without Tara. Xander had stopped her from destroying the World but he couldn't help her feel better. She refused to talk about it, she couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to say anything about any of it. They didn't know what to do to help her.
The day of the funeral she seemed to be just a ghost. She stood there, not moving, not talking, not anything. She just stared at the casket as if she could see right through it. She didn't even cry. Not like all the other people. There were so many there. Tara had a lot more friends than it seemed. She touched more than just the Scoobies lives. Yet she always, always stayed with them. They never even knew about all the other people. They didn't even know she had the time since she always spent it with them, with Willow.
A lot of people cried. They were devastated by the whole ordeal. A sweet girl like Tara, shot down, murdered. Even a few strangers appeared offering their condolences. Most people know about Willow and how close they were and the fact that she was there when it happened. However Willow didn't say anything or do anything when they came up to her. Everyone just assumed the whole thing traumatized her. And she was but they didn't know the rest of the story. What she did, why the police couldn't find Warren, and all the other details. They had no idea.
When it was over the crowd started to thin but Willow didn't move. She just stood there. All the Scoobies stayed with her. All except Spike, but no one knew where he was in the first place. There was also the small fact that almost everyone was angry with him but that didn't matter. He couldn't have been there due to the sunlight. But they stayed long after the sun went down.
Eventually Buffy had no choice but to take Dawn home. She was shaking with tears and Buffy could barely hold her up. She didn't want to leave, but she had gotten so worked up that Buffy had no choice but to take her back to the house. The only one who refused to go at that time was Xander. He wouldn't leave Willow's side. He just followed her, ever since he stopped her up on Kingman's Bluff. No one knew what happened between them up there. No one had asked. All they knew was that it saved their lives. They understood why he wanted to stay.
Since Giles was still recovering from the fight with Willow he couldn't drive them. Not that he was a good driver at all in the first place. And since Buffy and Dawn couldn't drive that left Anya as the only one who could. She didn't object any of their requests. In fact she was oddly silent. She remembered about dealing with death when Joyce died. That had been the first time she had to deal with it as a human. But again she wasn't human anymore, but she still felt. She had liked Tara too. She was the only one of the Scoobies that didn't act like she was better than her. Anya would miss her.
Xander stood by Willow the entire time. Long after the others had left. He didn't talk, or move, or push her to do anything. He kept his distance. He wanted to help her, make her feel better, but he knew he couldn't do that until she was ready. His tears for Tara had dried on his face. He shuffled his feet in the grass and kept putting his hands in his pocket then taking them out again. He was worried about Willow. She hadn't said anything in a week. It was like she wasn't even there anymore. It was like his best friend was slowly fading away.
"Willow, what can I do? Tell me how I can help," he said quietly. He moved forward cautiously but stayed out of her reach. He didn't know what to expect. Willow didn't react at all. It was like she couldn't hear him. She was too far-gone at the moment.
Another hour passed, it was almost impossible for them to see five feet in front of them. Xander came prepared with a flashlight but he didn't turn it on. He watched out for any night crawlers that might jump out at them and he was relieved when he found no sign of anything. He assumed it was because of Willow. He heard that it word traveled fast in the Underworld of demons. And lately Willow was the center of that. She had the aura alone of a powerful being. He didn't have to be a demon or a witch or a super being to feel it. It was so obvious. All that power and she had to keep it inside like she was keeping everything else inside. He was worried about that, about everything, but he couldn't force her to open up to him. He had to wait. And he was going to forever.
As more time passed Xander got too tired to stand so he sat on the ground, picking at the grass as he waited. She still wouldn't move, her eyes fixated on the dirt that now covered Tara's casket and her body. Tara had been her everything. She was such a good person. It was hard not to love her. At first Xander didn't know her that well, she was just Willow's girlfriend. That was a shocker all on its own. Then as time passed he started to see Tara as she really was. That shy girl turned into a confident young woman who proved to be one of the best people he ever met. He would miss her. But not as much as Willow would.
What they had no one could describe. It had changed the way Xander looked at love. It had changed everything. She was the best thing that ever happened to Willow but now she was gone. And so much had happened. He didn't know where it would all go next. All he could do was wait and see and he hoped it would be better with time. So he waited.
Willow watched the ground intently as if she was waiting for something. And she was. She waited for Tara to be standing there in front of her proving that none of this was real. Showing her that it would all be ok. That everything was fine. She waited for this feeling of emptiness to go away. She waited for the memories of what she had done to fade away as if it was all just a dream. And most of all she waited for Tara to wrap her arms around her, snuggled close, showing her that she was all right. She didn't want her last memories of Tara to be of her in pain. She didn't want it to be over.
She couldn't remember how long she was there, just staring at the tomb, the ground. She didn't think she could move from that spot, not until she knew that everything was all right. She had no conception of what time it was, or that fact that she was standing in the middle of a cemetery in the most dangerous city in the world. She couldn't do anything. She didn't think she could go on without her. There was so much left to say, to do. There was so much they were missing. That's why losing herself in the magick had been more appealing than going on. There was just so much she would miss.
Her laugh, her touch, her hair, her eyes, and most of all she would miss the way she felt whenever she would look at her. She had described it to Buffy during her evil spree. She described how she really felt about everything without Tara and she had been completely honest. After that she hadn't said a word. Nothing happened after she was all cried out with Xander holding her close up on the bluff. It's as if she retreated into herself. No magick, no talking, barely moving. She wouldn't even look at her friends. She just sat mostly on the floor on the spot where Tara's blood had stained the floor even after it was cleaned. It scared them all. However no one knew what to do for her. A couple days later people who knew Willow had brought over most of Tara's things from her dorm and she spent most of her time with those precious things, remembering all their times and wishing for more.
She didn't know what to do without her. So, that was the only thing that could describe her behavior. She didn't want to say good-bye. She wasn't ready, she didn't have enough time. It shouldn't be over yet. There was just too much they missed. All these thoughts just played over and over in her head. Every moment she wished she had done something different. Some way, some how she should've known. She should've been able to fix this. And at most times she wished they could trade places. She wished it would've been her instead. She thought it would've been better that way, but it was too late. She couldn't do anything now. She tried, it didn't work, and now there was nothing left.
She continued to stare at the words on the tombstone: Tara Maclay Oct. 16, 1980 - May 7, 2001. There was nothing else. No epitaph, no words of wisdom, or a remnant of the person Tara was. It wasn't fair. The world wouldn't know what a great person she was. In fact it would only be a matter of time before the world forgot about her. But Willow would never forget. She couldn't. Tara had been her everything and now without her she had nothing. She hadn't even thought about everyone else. They couldn't know what this felt like, they really couldn't. That made everything go in circles. What would she do now? What could she do? How should she deal with this? And what she did?
She barely noticed as the sun started to rise up on the hill. It wasn't until it suddenly stung her unexpecting eyes that she realized she had been there all night that she hadn't moved since she arrived there. Then one memory popped up in her head, Tara. The morning after she had showed up at her door. She seemed upset at first, and she was just going on about how things were different and how they were different right up until she asked Willow to kiss her. And of course she didn't deny her, she couldn't. That whole night they spent making up and it had been the best night of her life. It was passionate and gentle and fun and kind and sexy and everything that could describe Heaven in a way. It was hard to accept the simple truth that the love of her life had been torn so violently out of this world just hours later.
A single tear slid down her cheek and dropped onto the ground in front of her. She gasped suddenly. That was the first tear she was able to manage since that day on the bluff. Her body started to shiver slightly, possibly the after effects of being outside all night. Willow's sudden movement and animation grabbed Xander's attention and in a second he was right by her side.
"Will?" he said softly, unsure of her condition at the moment. When she didn't say anything once again, he backed off. But surprisingly enough as he turned to go back to his spot on the ground he heard a small, cracked voice.
"Do-do you think she's ok?" her voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper. Xander spun around instantly half in shock and half in relief. For a minute he forgot that she was finally talking and from the small detail that he was the only one there that he needed to respond. But from the question alone he didn't know what to say. He slowly moved back to her side slightly reaching out his hand to touch her arm. Involuntarily Willow jumped surprised by his touch making him jump as well. Did he do something wrong? He shuffled his feet as he shoved his hands in his pockets to avoid setting her off again, just in case. She was too fragile now. He had to be careful.
"I-I," He couldn't figure out what to say, but he was cut off anyway.
"Do you think she's happy? I-I mean she's not in pain right? I-I don't think she had time to-," Willow choked up. She couldn't say it. She couldn't say she didn't think Tara had the time to feel the pain of the bullet as it ripped through her heart. It was all so sudden. And Willow couldn't bare the thought of her love being in any pain before 'it' happened.
"Oh god Will," Xander felt tears spring up in his eyes as he suddenly pulled his best friend into his arms again. He could feel her shaking and he knew she was crying again. Not like before, but more like small painful sobs that broke his heart every time he heard them. "She's fine, honey. She's fine. She was happy. She was with you. It's going to be okay. It'll be ok."
Willow broke away angry when she heard his words 'it'll be ok'. How would everything be ok? She was gone. Nothing was ok. Nothing would ever be ok without her.
"It's not ok! Xander it's not ok. She's gone and I'm all alone. And why, why wasn't it me instead? I loved her, why?" Willow croaked out more tears flowing down her cheeks. Shocked by what he just heard Xander grabbed her more roughly than he intended by the shoulders and shook her once.
"Willow, dammit! No, you can't say that! I know you loved her. I know that. But you're not alone and as much as I hate to say it but you're not better off where she is. We can't change what happened. It's not ok now, but someday it'll be better," his voice softened when he saw how shaken up she really was. He loosened his grip and started to massage her arms with his hands. After all long silence he kept going, he had so much more to say. All these different things in his head that he thought would comfort her. "I love you Will, you know that. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my best friend. I need you. I can't do this without you. I can't make it without my best friend here. You gotta know that sweetie."
"I'm sorry. But I-I don't know if I can do it without her," she sniffled while avoiding to meet his gaze. She knew what that sounded like to him. She knew what it sounded like to herself. She just didn't really know if it was what she really meant. All she knew was that it had to have been like a knife to his heart and she couldn't bear to look at his face as it showed. He was just utterly floored. He didn't know what to say to that. There was nothing he could say to that. His best friend since forever had just admitted that she didn't think she could make it here without one other person. Sure, he had said it. However he meant it in a different way. Not the possible way that Willow could've been thinking. He didn't want to hear this anymore.
He started to back away from her, letting her arms just drop to her sides, and he couldn't help but stare at her. Did she mean it? Would she actually do that? A lot of things had happened the past couple of weeks but this was something he never thought possible. But then again he never thought it was possible that Willow, his Willow, would do what she did. Things were so different now that he didn't know what to do. He didn't know how he could help.
Willow looked so terrified as he started to move away like a little child that was lost. She didn't mean it! She didn't mean it! She couldn't take the way he was looking at her. She knew then that she hadn't meant it. She didn't want to do that. She was too cowardly. Her whole body was quaking. The thought of losing him now after all of this just because she said that made her feel sick. She couldn't let that happen. If that ever happened she really didn't know what she'd do. It would just be too much. She moved forward, reaching out to him, and started to cry harder.
"No, Xander! No, I didn't mean it. I don't want to- I wouldn't," she was so scared. Once she was close enough to him she gripped the front of his shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Willow, don't say things like that. You'll get through this. We'll get through this. Just don't say things like that. It scares me Will. I'm just so scared," he started to cry to as they hugged once again.
